Jesus Christ

Y'know how I'm always saying that people in the South East don't talk to strangers in the street?

I was walking back from Waterstone's this morning with my copy of Phillip Pullman's 'The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ' and I was dipping into the first chapter as I walked. I'd noticed a couple of a certain age at the R68 bus stop.

As I drew level the woman reached out and touched my shoulder, to stop me, and said, "Did you hear the debate on Radio 4 this morning, about the book you're reading, on Andrew Marr's show with Phillip Pullman and David Badiel...." So we had a chat about hearing in on BBCiPlayer and living in Teddington and the eccentricities of the R68 bus service.

Then she said, "How do you manage to read whilst walking along the road?"

"Ah," I replied, " a friend told me the trick is to look 100 yards up the road every so often and mentally map out any obstructions, open manhole covers etc..."

She was impressed.

Heavy Traffic

Driven in Europe lately? Have you noticed how clear and smooth the roads are? Especially the French.

I once drove all the way from the Italian Alps to London and saw more road works in the motorway from Dover to London than the whole of Europe.

Are our roads that bad? Or are we creating jobs?

Answers on a postcard please....

Mental Drinking

Why can't bar staff keep a mental tab of what you're ordering? And worse still - only do one drink at a time?

In my student days whilst helping out at my Dad's pub, Caw's in Dundee, Scotland, an average order on a 'three deep at the bar Saturday' would be the following.

"Three pints of 70/- (bitter) 2 pints of 80/- (best bitter), a pint of Tennants, 2 halves of Light (Mild) One Bells, a bottle of Export and 3 bags of Salt & Shake."

Whilst adding up all the time in my head, I would set the lager pouring, pull the two pints of 80/- get Bob Hepple, the High Priest of the 70/- (That's all he did - just pour pints) to do the other 3 pints. Switch off the lager. Pour the Bells whilst the 80/- was settling...etc etc.

Total order to completion time would be about 2 minutes. You try ordering a round like that in a pub today. (Mutter mutter.....)